My heart is aching today. I acted badly with an angel today and it hurts. It's an ache that won't easily go away, won't easily be forgotten, won't easily be overcome. I am struggling with my child, struggling to know when to speak and when to shut up, struggling to know when to help and when to let go, struggling to know what to do and what not to do. It's frustrating and today was a breaking point. I lost my temper, a temper I have transferred to her unfortunately. I said things I wish I could un-say, acted out in ways I wish I could un-act. Yet it is done. It's forged in her memory and mine. It hurts.
I hope she sees it is simply the devil that got ahold of me. I hope she sees the hurt, the physical and mental pain that giving into evil causes me. I hope she sees the grace of God that is my only hope. I hope she will forgive me but yet I know it's a moment etched in her mind, a picture of her father I don't want her to see. It's not a picture she would see from her Father God.
I hope it will be her opportunity to get a glimpse of God, of forgiveness and grace. If she can learn that, it will simply be another victory of God over Satan on earth and it will take her farther than anything else I could teach her. I know my actions today may have shaken the foundation of our love but I hope she will know and see in future days that no matter what I do, God loves her completely. I do too, I love her with such depth but I don't always show it. Yet it is that love for her that causes me so much pain today - to know I have hurt her, to know I have shown her a glimpse of the devil at work.
I am suspending comments today because all I ask from you is a prayer. Pray that my family sees God in me and pray that His spirit of reconciliation and peace is quick.
Edit: I just finished reading a couple of blogs - one where a family lost their 13 year old son and one who has a son that has been near death with an illness but appears to be on the road to recovery. I thank God that I have the opportunity to be with my children another day and will do my very best to remember that each day I have them is a gift from above.
