This Is It.

I've talked about it.  I've thought about it.  I've tried to do it on purpose.  I've done it on accident.

I'm announcing my blogging retirement.  It's been a fun ride.  It's been therapy.  It's been eye-opening, hope-filled, full on inner peace at times.  It's been heart-breaking, gut wrenching, painfully thought provoking at times.  

I am full up right now.  Work, school, kids, church, hopes, dreams, ideas...they are taking the time I used to contemplate and write.  The well is dry.  I have nothing else to say.  

I'm retiring with Brett Favre on my mind.  No, not the stupid pictures he was texting.  I meant the un-retirements.  I reserve the right to come back and to post sporadically (or spasmodically) when the spirit moves me.  That means I'll lose some readers.  I love you but the truth is I never wrote for you.  This has been a work of the soul.  It has been me throwing up some ugly and writing a portrait of the pretty.  I hope I can find a way to pull off the posts and archive them locally.  My mom says I should write a book.  Others said I was addressing the same issues they faced.  Who knows, but in the long run I want to be able to read back through the posts and see where I've been...and hopefully how far I have gone.  

This was written through some of the darkest days of my life and some of the brightest.  It's been honest without dragging any innocent bystanders into the fray.  For anyone who has read it, I hope it has led you closer to God in all things (and closer to the Rangers in the sports domain).  

God is sovereign.  He is mighty and powerful and awesome (if you knew me in high school, that would be 2 AWSUM).  I hope all who read this will learn to love him as he loves you.

Adios.  Ciao.

May the mercy and grace and love and peace of God rain down on me and on you.

I'm Mad Too, Eddie!

I don't remember the whole story behind the line, "I'm mad too Eddie!" but if memory serves me it had something to do with former Rangers owner, Eddie Chiles.  However, that's not part of my story today.  

There are days I want to be mad.  Mad at me, mad at you, mad at the dog, mad at the clutter in my life, mad at the cars on the road, mad at the people at work, mad at the dirt on the ground, mad at the chair.  Just overall being mad.  When I get this way, it's usually because of one little thing that's going wrong in my little world and it sets me off and the things I get mad at aren't the things that are causing the real problem inside of me.  I know people who live their lives this way and when I see it in others, I don't like it but when I do it, I don't like it even more.  Usually, that's because I've done something stupid while mad that bothers me even longer.  

Then, at some point, God intervenes and reminds me just how silly I have become.  This morning, it was a video clip of an old friend's son who is learning to walk again in a swimming pool after being paralyzed in a skiing accident.  WOW!  Does it mean I'm wrong for being upset by something that is upsetting?  No, not in the least.  However, it does remind me once again that if I just open my eyes I can see many, many people living around me who have circumstances that appear far worse than mine.  

I want God to keep my eyes open to what is really happening around me and that I will keep life and it's troubles in perspective.  There is a bigger battle raging than just the annoyances I run into at times.  

Grace and peace.

PS.  9 more sleeps until Opening Day!

Legalism

Edited post:  There are things I say at the moment I feel strongly about that upon a night's sleep, even a short one, and a re-read I think it's something I said that didn't need to be said.

Yesterday, I was moved to speak to someone with whom I disagree on some points of scripture.  I won't say it was a great conversation because the point of the talk, letting them know I and others had been hurt by what was said initially, got drowned out in more of what had been originally said.  I guess I'll say there was more talking than listening.  I don't expect everyone to agree with me so I leave the conversation thankful I brought it up, thankful that it will bring peace to put it out there and thankful that confessing my hurt that I was holding will lead to healing from that hurt and moving forward.

There are things I don't always enjoy doing but that can be beneficial.  Yesterday was one of those days.

Grace and peace to you.

Uh-Oh

I warn you to click to another site now.  

It's late Thursday night and I haven't slept well in weeks which only leads my warped mind to warp a little more and I come up with questions in my head that are perverse, bizarre, scary, darkly humorous and a few other things that make me wonder about myself as much or more than anyone else wonder's about the status of my brain synapses or whether there are brain synapses and I also write in run-on sentences when I get really tired.  

Here's the question...

I wonder if cat deaths have increased with the advent of the remote start feature on cars?  

Crazy, I know, but I hear about cats curling up on engines and sometimes not escaping even with opening and closing doors.  Now, people can start their cars without being in them so how do the cats know it's time to split?  

Yes, I need sleep.  

I'm out.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33

I want peace but usually find I am troubled.

Some people say I have trouble saying "no" (Hi mom!).  I suppose I do at times.  A friend texted me today to see if I could handle something for him at church this weekend because he has to be out of town.  Of course I said yes.  

I was talking to someone the other night and asked the question I often ask myself, "so what do I cut out?"  All the things I do are important to me so cutting something out means I don't do something that is important, or at least worthy, in my own mind.  However, these choices do bring trouble.  Lack of sleep.  Periods of mental fuzziness.  Stress.  Tension.  

Eventually, my body will crash and sleep will be a necessity.  Eventually my mind will clear up.  Eventually the stress and tension and grumpiness will pass and I'll be left remembering the choices I made to do the things I thought were worthy.  I hope in that time I will find peace.  

In this world I will have trouble.  Trouble with my decisions.  Trouble with other people's decisions.  Trouble with temptation and dark forces.  Lots of trouble.  That's what the world brings but Christ has overcome the world.  I will get through the good and the bad of this life but I continue to yearn for what lies ahead, for the ultimate peace the Christ has planned for me.

Grace and peace.

Father God

Father God, just for today

Help me walk your narrow way, 

Let me stand where I might fall,

Give me the strength to hear your call.

Let my steps be worship, 

let my thoughts be praise,

may my words bring honor to your name.

Grace and peace to you.

The River

I love fishing and especially love fishing the rivers of Colorado.  Last Monday, I was entrenched in the Arkansas River (when I wasn't untangling wind knots) working hard to ensnare a beautiful rainbow trout on the end of a small fly line.  I snagged one who jumped out of the water, spit the fly out, stuck his tongue out at me and chanted "nana-nana-boo" as he headed back into the water and swam away.  

I love fishing because it's fun to catch one on a little fly rod but, even more, I get to see the beauty of what God has created all around me.  The wind may be blowing too hard, the fish may spook too fast and the day may be one without netting a fish, but it's still a day in God's creation, up close and personal, and it's a day worthy of worship.  

Grace and peace.

Survival

I made it.  I survived Ski Trip '12 with the church youth group.  Woohoo!

There are several things from the trip I may cover in future blog posts.  A few things of note:

Lots of snow is a beautiful thing but I wonder how well I could spend a winter with it.

The sun is BRIGHT reflecting off the snow at the ski area.  Wow.

Fishing in the wind is hard.

Fishing in the wind is still fishing and better than just about anything else I can imagine.

Fishing without catching a fish is no fun.

Fishing without catching fish is better than just about anything else I can imagine.

The craftsman ship of God is so very evident in Colorado.  Heaven. On. Earth.

Every time I spend time with the kids from our youth group, I walk away humbled by their hearts.

Every time I spend time with the kids from our youth group, I look forward to the next time.

Our youth minister and his wife consistently blow me away with their love for youth.

Our youth minister and his wife consistently blow me away with their servant spirit.

Our youth minister's wife does a fair share of ministering herself.  She should be on the payroll.

I love being with member's of my church.  It is the body of Christ exemplified in so many ways.

That's all for now.  It was a good trip.  A tiring trip.  An uplifting trip.  An encouraging trip.  

Grace and peace.

I'm Off

I'm off my rocker.  That's no big surprise to anyone.

I'm off meds.  Well, I'm taking some medicine but I feel like I should be taking something that would make me feel better/more energetic/smarter.

I'm off my sleep schedule.  OK, I've never had much of a schedule but sleeping 4 and 5 hours a night wears the body down.  It makes me irritable and feeling more stressed.  Just ask the file cabinet I exhibited my stress to.

I'm off kilter.  People say things and do things that leave me wondering what the heck (yes, I went back and retyped the original phrasing) is going through their minds.  It drives me wacky.  Wacky mixed with irritable and stressed ain't no good thang.  It affects grammar also.

I'm off.  I leave Saturday morning at 5:30 in the morning (less than 4-5 hours sleep that night) for a few days in Colorado with my kids and a bunch of folks from church.  I can't wait to get up in high elevation, see the snow and know that I should come home safe and sound because I'm not putting my large frame on two little skis.  I'll be reading, studying for my newest class, catching up on some TV shows and movies and relaxing for the first time in a long time.  I'm already hearing John Denver in my head.

My prayer is that I will be open to using this time to let God speak into me, to be a Sabbath rest and to get re-oriented with where he wants me to go.  

Grace and peace.

Tough Questions

Last night, I taught a lesson centered around Nicodemus and whether he simply wanted to believe Jesus was who he claimed to be or if he really wanted to follow Jesus.  It was a good reminder for me of many years lived as a fan but not a follower, one who knew God and kept an arms-length relationship with him, but not someone who really wanted to have a relationship with God and follow the example of Christ.  

We see how Nicodemus goes from approaching Jesus at night (maybe to stay hidden from his cohorts?) to being there at his death and burial.  Nicodemus went from fan to follower but it wasn't easy and it wasn't without cost.  Which begs the question...

What has following Jesus cost you?

Grace and peace.

Wrath

The file cabinet felt it.  My wrath.  Lack of sleep.  High stress.  Things not going right.  Explosion.

It happens to me now and again.  It's been awhile as I've learned to cope with life better and as I've learned to see obstacles in my life differently.  Last night, it was unjustified anger targeted to the closest thing I could find at the moment.  

I really, really wonder what God's wrath looks like.  Look at this beautiful world he created and see all the horrific things that man does and try to convince me that God doesn't get angry.  I think too many people today want to see him as the warm, fuzzy grandfather who indulges his children's silliness.  While I want him to treat me that way, I just can't believe that is always the case with God.  

Children abused.  Let's not get angry, especially you God.  Rape, murder, emotional violence, manipulation...let's not get angry.  Especially you God.  

I don't have the answers, just questions.  I'm no great theologian, just a guy who knows how I feel sometimes when I've taken all I can take and know it leads to extreme anger.  Do I think God hits inanimate objects for stress relief?  I doubt it but sure think he has better impulse control than I do.  Still, I get angry about the silliest things.  If someone hurt one of my babies...I shudder to think what I might do.  

I believe God's wrath is real.  I believe people who ignore his love and choose to walk outside his direction will be judged.  Do I think he's sending someone to hell for littering?  Not so much.  Do I think he's going to punish those who do bad, bad things to people without care for anyone or anything.  I do.  I don't know what it will look like and I don't have much desire to figure it out...that is God's business.  I just want to live in his mercy and grace, be a better disciple today than I was yesterday and the day before and the day before that and reflect Christ-likeness to someone today.

Grace and peace.

Mental Health

In the book Managing Conflict Through Communication by Ruth Abigail and Dudley Cahn, the authors point out that forgiveness is good for mental health and failure to forgive can have long lasting negative effects on mental health.  That's no great surprise to me but a good reminder of how holding on to grudges and anger from hurts would only keep me captive to that person.  When I truly forgive them, let it go and move on, I am no longer captive to them because that event doesn't rule in my heart, my head and my life.  That's not to say I won't remember and it's not to say I want avoid having to deal with someone who has repeatedly or maliciously tried to hurt me but I won't let those past grievances control my heart and my mind and my health.

Forgiveness is powerful medicine.  The world would be a better place if more people took a big dose of it.

Grace and peace.

Even More Fruitcakes!

Yes, I'm back in Las Vegas and you see the craziest things.  Tonight it was a lady who was in trouble with MGM hotel security and it got a little wild with lots of hitting, cussing, screaming and handcuffs.  Then there are the drunks who are coming in when I'm headed out for a meeting at 6:45 in the morning.  Ouch.  Then there's all the money fed into slot machines, spent on blackjack, craps, roulette and a number of other games of chance and the alcohol...oh, how the alcohol flows.  It's a wild and bizarre place.

Las Vegas may or may not have anything to do with what's on my mind.  Forgiveness.  

My classes are getting better and better and I've read some things that really resonate with me in the past week.  I'll have more on those to post in the next few days but suffice it to say that I'm thinking about forgiveness all over again.  How, when, why?  Forgive others and forgive myself?  What does pure forgiveness look like?  All good questions and all with good answers.  

To make it easy for myself, I fall back to a question.  How do I want God to forgive me and what does that look like?  

Grace and peace.

Less Nuts, More Fruitcake

One of my goals of this blog is to get Rick Ross to respond which finally happened on Monday.  Woo-hoo!  If you haven't read Rick's response, you should because it says some things I meant to write on Tuesday but didn't get around to finishing.

I enjoy going to "church" now more than ever.  Yes, MORE than ever.

It's not because of the preacher (sorry, Rick).  It's not because of the song leaders or the songs or the classes or the prayers or anything else.  It's simply because I am with people who have held me up when I wasn't sure I could go on and we come together in the presence of God to worship.  It's because I am there with people who jumped down in a foxhole with me when the battle was raging and the enemy was winning.  

I used to feel bad because I would take my son to play baseball on some Sunday mornings.  In my old way of thinking, it was just bad.  Plain and simple.  Then, I felt like I started to rationalize not being at church with my analysis of what "forsaking the assembly" really meant.  Then I met another Jeff from another town who's son played baseball with my son.  Jeff thought it was funny when I told him I hated missing church for baseball.  He thought religion was a joke and the people who bought into it were part of the "suckers born everyday" group.  Over the next 14 weeks I was able to share some struggles I was having and how I knew God was working in those places.  I got to tell him about some people at church who meant the world to me, who I would run through walls for because their love for me was so great and that I believed God had led us all together because of our trials.  I don't think I changed Jeff's mind about religion but I believe I helped him see God differently and see church differently.  I never would have had those conversations sitting in church.

Choosing to go to church isn't an either/or proposition.  While I don't agree with telling people they need to be there instead of option A, B or C, I am fully in favor and personally look forward to the times of gathering with people who love God and love each other to worship, to love and to show adoration for the Lord of our lives and to journey with those around us during good times and bad times.  If I'm not going to be at church, I hope the Lord will give me an opportunity to glorify him wherever I am and when I am in church I hope he allows me to continue feeling the peace I experience there.

Grace and peace.

Marking Time

Today is a hard anniversary for very close friends.  Some of you may know the store of Rick and Beverly Ross and the tragic loss of their daughter, Jenny, a wife to David and mother to Malaya.  I hurt for them and my heart is heavy for them on this day.  

Why does God let these things happen?  It's a question I've asked about personal situations in the past because I believe God can do anything, but he doesn't always do the thing we want him to do.  Why do moms die leaving 3 children with a father who kills himself 4 months later?  Why do children die?  Why does an 11 year old have bone cancer?  Why do families fall apart?  These are questions I often ask wondering what God is doing.

Why did God give his own son to die for me?  It's another question I ask wondering what God was thinking.

I remind myself from time to time that God knows suffering.  He knows extreme, intense pain.  Why is that I'm expecting I won't have to face it or my friends won't have to face it when God made a choice that caused great suffering.  His son didn't simply die.  God allowed it to happen for a bigger purpose.  

Is my suffering going to be for a bigger purpose?  Will my friend's suffering be for a bigger purpose?  I don't know but I do know the pain doesn't go away.  In whole or in part, it will remain.

So the question becomes will we trust God when the world crumbles?  Will we hold onto our faith?  There were days I didn't know if I would or if I could but another question always lingered.  It's a question Rick Ross asked me when I felt my world was going completely dark.  Where else will you go?

So we mark time.  We mark the times of our suffering and the reminder that follow and we mark time until we leave this place of suffering and join the party to be united with God.  I will live out my days with joy for the blessings I experience, with pain for the wounds I've experienced and marking time while crying out, Lord, come quickly!

Grace and peace to you.

A Bit Nutty

A question came up in our Lifegroup yesterday and I answered it.  Careful what you ask.

The question was something like "what do we do as a church to reach the marginalized?"  Well, I have some thoughts...

First, we need to determine if "the church" really wants to reach the marginalized.  There's a lot of talk about being in church (meaning attending the Sunday and Wednesday gatherings) and it's something that I'm careful about agreeing with.  If the idea is to attend church because that's the place to be and the right thing to do, then I hesitate to join the bandwagon.  I grew up hearing I needed to be at church (meaning the building) whenever the doors opened but I didn't know God and didn't really know what living as a disciple meant.  I've come to believe that some churches mimic the Pharisees in their legalistic definition of what church attendance should be.  Remember, these are my opinions.  Anyway, I heard a lot about "do not forsake the assembly" (you can look it up) but it seems like the story about Jesus healing on the Sabbath is only used as fodder for talking about the Pharisees and seldom, if ever, used as an example of us getting out of the building and going to help the marginalized/lost/starving/homeless/naked/drug addicted/porn addicted/sex addicted/et.al.  I've taken the approach that it doesn't matter if I'm at a church service or not if my mind and actions are on serving God and exemplifying discipleship.  I can be at a baseball game, volleyball game, the lake, the mall, wherever and if showing true Christ-likeness is at the forefront of my thoughts and actions, I may be in a better place to reach the hurting than if I was occupying a cozy cushion in our comfy church building.  Some may ask why I think those places are better than church and I don't want to insinuate that's always the case but I can tell you I have had some positive discussions about Jesus at a baseball tournament on a Sunday to someone who was very skeptical of religion.  I don't know that I ever changed his mind but we talked about Christ much more than we would have had I been at church with other people who aren't on the margins.  Just a thought.

Second, what if the church gave everyone or every family walking in the building on Sunday morning $20-50 cash and said to "bless someone with it."  Now, if it's a family that is hurting financially, they can keep it.  If not, I wonder what putting cash in the hands of someone professing to be a Christ follower would cause them to do.  Would they go look for someone to help?  Their children do it when performing random acts of kindness and I bet the families would do it too...likely in creative ways.  If the church did this, it would be an institution truly calling it's members to action and I believe most of the members would respond favorably.  

So what does the church do to reach the marginalized.  Open their doors and challenge it's people to get outside, to find the people who are in the marginalized target market, and to do something for them.  

Just saying...

Grace and peace.

Glory to God

I'm not going to steal Rick Atchley's Twitter posts forever but here's another good one.  "I know I need to be Jesus to everyone, but first, I think I nee to see Jesus in everyone."

Last night I had the opportunity to speak to a group of men in Stephenville, Texas about my journey, about the darkest hours, the lowest of lows, about the brightest hopes and my walk to truly know God.  It was an incredible experience - not because I was asked to speak but because telling my story reminds me of where I've been, what I've seen and where I don't want to go again and because it gives God the opportunity to speak into people through me.  I know my story is meaningless without the work of God in my life and that's one thing I want people to know.  

Any talk about my life has a revolving theme.  One, that our battle is not against flesh and blood but against dark, evil, powerful forces that I cannot see.  Two, that I am a child of God made in His image.  I want to remember to see myself that way and see others that way - as children of my LORD.  

I'm thankful to my good friend Randy Daugherty for inviting me to speak and even more thankful to God for giving me the strength, courage and knowledge that He was working in me and through me.  

Grace and peace to you.

Smart

If you get a chance to see Flower Mound Marcus play basketball this year, jump on it.  Marcus Smart may be an NBA player one day.  

I'm borrowing another gem from Rick Atchley.

"Athletes deny themselves things that are not wrong but are not smart. So do disciples!"

Denying myself is hard.  There are things I enjoy, things that make me feel good, things that brighten my spirits, things...and I want them and, at times, get them when I can.  However, denying myself at times would make me a better person and certainly smarter for the endeavor.  

I want to be a disciple. I want to follow Christ and his example and the desires of God's heart for my life.

Grace and peace.

Noise

It's loud.  There are so many things vying for my attention, my mind, my heart.  I got this tweet from Rick Atchley the other day.  "If you want to hear God, you're going to have to turn down the ambient noise."

Grace and peace.

Get Outta Here...

Do you know Kylie Bisutti?  She's been a Victoria's Secret runway model and I must admit she can conjure up some thoughts strutting around in her lingerie.  I'm a Kylie fan but probably not for the reason you would first think.  I didn't say she "is" a VS model, I said she's "been" a VS model - past tense.  She gave up the gig she had dreamed of because she's been reading the Bible and was convicted she needs to save her body for her husband (I imagine there are Christian single men sending her their information right now) that she hopes to have one day.  

Restoration.  Renewal.  Kylie is finding it through her study of God's word.  It's amazing what the Spirit will do within us when we get into God's word.  We can read Lucado and Yancey and Chan, we can listen to Andy Stanley, John Piper or Joel Osteen (I'm throwing that one in for a good buddy of mine) but none of those can do what actually reading the Bible and letting the Spirit work on heart and mind can do to us.  

I'm a Kylie Bisutti fan and hope she will maintain her desire to serve God and openly share her faith.  It's something I can learn from.

Grace and peace.