I Could Tell You What You Want To Hear...

I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/skillet-lyrics/monster-lyrics.html)
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I've gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster



Monster performed by Skillet

Thanksgiving. The Day After

I have spent some time this past week wondering what all people will say and what I would say when asked, what are you giving thanks for.  My world has been turned upside down and I have been separated from what has meant the most to me on this earth.  Honestly, I still don't feel very thankful at times but there are some things that stand out to me:


I'm thankful for the people who have loved me knowing my failings and my darkest secrets.  You have given me courage to continue facing a new day each morning.
I'm thankful for the people I have asked to pray specific prayers for me because I am in a season where I seldom pray.
I'm thankful for the people who have prayed for me not knowing what to pray for or ask for.  God knows your heart and I trust He has used your love for me in ways He knows are best.
I'm thankful for people who have suffered greatly before me because you can speak to my pain and sadness and heartbreak with understanding.
I'm thankful for people who have challenged me in my thoughts and desires.  Your desire to keep me from going backwards by lovingly, and sometimes harshly, pushing me forward has been a blessing.
I'm thankful for Christian counseling.  I have learned things about myself, my heart and my mind that have walked me through years of mistakes to the root causes allowing me to begin working on changes that will hopefully aid me in making good decisions into the future.
I'm thankful for brief words of kindness and a hug.  Knowing you care means more than I can put into words.
I'm thankful for people who let me be honest when they ask how I'm doing.  You know that sometimes what you will hear will be painful, ugly and filled with tears and you allow me to do it anyway.
I'm thankful for people who have brought their brokenness to me.  You have shown me that God can and will use my grief and pain for His glory.


I'm sure I could go on but there is one more that overshadows all of the above.


I am thankful for a loving and patient Lord.  You, Lord, have taught me that the prodigal son story isn't just a Bible story but my story.  You have shown me that my story fits in your story, a story of broken people who have fallen and continue to find your love ever-present.  You have shown me what love is and should be.  You have shown me that it is OK to live through the mistakes of my past because you love what will be, not what was.  You have shown me that there is healing in confession and the power of relationships that are aligned with you.  You have shown me what it is to wait, patiently.  You never quit me,  you never let go, you never stopped loving and being faithful in your hope for me.  Without you I know there would be nothing to be thankful for.  With you, I know there will be joy in the days ahead.  You, Lord, are what I am truly thankful for.

Thanksgiving

I live in a time and place that is unbelievable.  We have so much living in America.  I take for granted so many things that I have access to as if it is just a normal way of life.  How about you?


How thankful are you for clean water?  In October I was fortunate enough to hear Scott Harrison's story in person.  It is fascinating to hear how he decided to use his life to help others.  Scott's Story

I was moved by what Harrison had to say and moved by his efforts to sustain what he started.  One of Charity Water's efforts is birthday giving - people sign up and ask their friends to give money to Charity:Water instead of to the birthday person.  Guess what?  I have a birthday coming up next month and I'm asking you to consider giving.  Just $1.  If you want to give more, great.  It's an incredible ministry and I will be supporting it on a continuing basis and hope you will consider it.  If you feel so moved, follow this link and you can donate and help people in 3rd world countries be thankful for clean water that doesn't make them sick and doesn't kill them.

Support clean drinking water for my birthday!

Whether you give or not, please offer up a prayer for people who have little, if any, of the things we take for granted.  Clean water.  Food.  Clothes.  Love.

Grace and peace to you.

Christmas Tunes

I'm not a "holiday spirit" kind of guy.  I can't explain it and really don't care to delve into it.  I am who I am and I wonder why the world doesn't just have the holiday spirit (kindness, courtesy, good tidings, giving) all year long.  Maybe working in retail, it has only skewed my jaded view of the commercialism (people being trampled at 5:00 in the morning to get to the category-killers) of Christmas.  Enough.  I could go on but then somebody would want to try and fix me and that just spells disaster for all of us.


Back to holiday spirit.  I do have a little and this video is compelling to me.  I would love to be shopping when this happens.




Hallelujah!

Grace and peace to you.

The Week It Was

It was one of "those" weeks last week.  A week on the rollercoaster of life but it seemed like the rollercoaster was going down, rapidly, more than it was going up.  It's a week that I'm glad is behind me but it is a week that made me examine some things in my life and spend a little time contemplating where I go from here.  Maybe more on that later.  For now, I want to share a blog from Jonathon Storment.  I don't know him but have read many of his blogs and have found some peace in reading them from time to time.  This one was good for me.


Jonah Serves Chicken Wings

Grace and peace to you.

Misfire

I'm not hitting on all cylinders this morning so this is just gobbley-gook.


I don't know how to spell gobbley-gook.


I hear the Cowboys won.  Yeah.  I guess.  I'm waiting for Spring Training.


The road trip was good.  Relaxing.  Too short in many ways, long enough in others.  I love the hill country of Texas and I love the Comal and Guadalupe.  I'm waiting for a sign that I need to live there.  On the river of course.  Near the good fly-fishing waters.


A guy in the Gruene Outfitters told me the best fishing for native trout would be in the next 2 weeks.  I haven't figured out how to make my return trip just yet but I'm working on it.


It would be nice to come back from a relaxing trip and have a relaxing week but that is not the case.  I have something every night.  There's a chance at least one meeting will get canceled so I can unpack.


I am thankful for good friends who take care of me and challenge me and love me unconditionally.  From talking to people, God has blessed me with more than other people have.  I hope to let them all know how much they mean to me in the coming days. 


If you know me, you know I think heaven has some beautiful trout streams running through it.  I saw a little slice of heaven this weekend.  God is an incredible creator.  He made so much beauty.  I'm guilty of looking around me and seeing it in nature but not in His created people.  Today, I want to see His handiwork in the people I talk to and to remember He is the Father of all.


Grace and peace to you.

Road Trip

I'm hitting the road this morning.  A trip I've had planned for awhile.  A trip that I hope will offer all I want from it.  I trust it will be a good day.


Did you buy Move by Third Day yet? 


Here's another sampling.  A friend pointed out this song, Sound of Your Voice, to me and it has quickly become one of my favorites.  Below are some of the lyrics.

I ran away from your love
But you waited for me
Yes, you waited for me
And then I heard your song
Singing over me 

Sing your song to me
Oh, there's no greater thing
Than to listen to the sound of your voice  

Lord, I am calling your name
And I'm waiting for you
Yes, I'm waiting for you
So won't you show me your way
And I will follow you
Yes, I will follow you

Singing over me
Bringing peace and mercy
With a song that never ends
Singing over me
Marvelous and holy
Lord, I want to hear your song again

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.  I want to hear God's voice.

Grace and peace to you.  

Third Day - Surrender

So this week's blogs didn't look anything like what I had planned.  Funny how life intervenes sometimes.


I've got some new stuff from Francis Chan to share and hopefully I'll get that out there next week.


We are studying his book Crazy Love in our youth class and I've got a couple of neat stories to share sometime.  I think teens and young adults have more spiritual maturity about them than at any time in my life.  In fact, I had lunch yesterday with an old friend who is a Campus Minister at SMU and asked him his thoughts.  He told me about a study done by some university that agreed with that - not that the kids agreed with everything we've grown up being taught or that I would agree with some of their ideas (no absolute truth) but they are more connected to God than my generation was/is.


If you know me, you know I love Third Day.  If you haven't bought their new CD, Move, then move now and go get it.  One of my favorite songs is Surrender.  Maybe the bluesy start has something to do with it and I do like the bass beat when thumping on my sub-woofers but it's the them of the song that connects.  Part of the lyrics say:


'Cause inside you find
That you are slowly dying

Some of us realize at some point in life that we are dying a slow death from the inside out.  Our body still functions but our heart is dying.  I was there...I was dying...and, praise God, in a time of brokenness He rescued me.  He saved me from dying but I had to surrender and I am still learning to surrender more and more to Him every day.

Surrender (click on the link)

Grace and peace to you.

Just Another Birthday Party

I told one of my loyal readers the other day that I'm a great advocate for serving others but not so great at practicing what I preach.  I'm on a journey to know God and His desire for me and to live it out in my life better each day.


Another loyal reader presses me sometimes on my comments about service.  Growing up in the faith tradition we have, there have been times where service was seen as the end goal, not a by-product of a heart for God; seen as a way to build "credit" in the body, not as a selfless act that brings us closer to being one with Christ and each other. 


Yesterday, I ran across this video.  I'm still processing what all he is saying, still processing the idea of putting myself in the same place he was, still processing what it might all look like to live for others.  I hope you enjoy the story though and I hope it challenges you.




Grace and peace to you.

Thankful For Friends

Before I get down to what I want to say...how 'bout that Colt McCoy.  Great game yesterday!

I deleted the post I had planned for today because a friend called me out on something I have said recently they don't agree with.  I'm thankful for friends willing to call me out.


Sometimes I talk way too much.  Some of you might find that hard to believe because I prefer not to talk much at all.  When I do, I'm thankful for friends who don't stick a sock in my mouth. 


I'm flawed.  Some of my closest friends know just how flawed I am and they keep on loving me...even when I do something I shouldn't do more than once.  I am thankful for friends who love me unconditionally and who challenge me to be better today than I was yesterday.


I don't always listen to good advice but I always need good advice.  I am blessed to have friends who don't tell me what I want to hear but what I need to hear.  Every now and then I heed their wise words and thank God for their presence in my life.


I have much to be thankful for, nothing greater than the thanks I give God for loving me in ways no one else ever has or ever will.  Nothing can make me more thankful than the love of my Lord.


Grace and peace to you.

What Do I Do Now?

Baseball season is over.  What do I do now?


It was great following the Rangers this year.  It was an odd year attending only 2 games in the first half of the season due to my son's baseball schedule and then sitting/standing in the crowd at Game 6 of the ALCS and Game 5 of the World Series.  I never would have pictured that.  Nor would I have pictured Cliff Lee pitching in a Rangers uni.  Or Cliff losing 2 games in the Series.  I didn't picture C.J. Wilson becoming a dominant starter or David Murphy being the man of the moment so many times or Vlad struggling at the plate like he did.  But then I never pictured Vlad crushing balls during the season before they day they signed him.  I didn't think Greenberg/Ryan would have so much trouble buying the team but I'm certainly glad they did.


I think we will look back in years to come thinking we have had the best ownership group in the game and one of the sharpest GM's in all of baseball.  Theo Epstein was the wonder-child in Boston for so many years, Jon Daniels is the new version.  I still don't know what I think of Ron Washington but I do believe the players will play their hearts out for him.


I've never had people willing to buy my tickets in August.  Not only willing but calling asking if I had tickets for certain games in August.  I usually can't give them away.  I wore the same clothing to 15 games and the Rangers won.  I have fun with baseball superstitions that way.  I wore it to Game 5 of the World Series and they didn't win and I had lots of people looking at me in bewilderment that I wasn't dressed in Rangers red.  Well, the mojo failed that game and the lucky outfit is retired.  Maybe.  I might try it for one game next season and see what happens.


Here's where I thought about a moral to the Rangers saga but you can make your own.  Today, it's just about baseball.  It's a game I didn't enjoy growing up but one I have come to love through the eyes and efforts of my son.  I used to go to games thinking they were boring.  Now I have an appreciation for every nuance of the game - the position of the batter's feet, the path of his hands through the swing, the finish, the pitcher's movements, arm slot, release points.  I watch how base-runners step off the bag getting their lead, the size of their steps.  I'm more aware of how the wind is blowing and what effect that has on a fly ball hit by a left hander to left field as opposed to right field.  There are so many little games within the game...and I love it.  Yes, there are plenty of object lessons to make from baseball and this season for the hometown team.  Today, I miss it and can't wait for spring training in roughly 3 months.


Grace and peace to you. 

Email, Facebook and Twitter vs. The Power of God

I'm stepping up on my soapbox today.  Give me space and give me leniency.

I get lots of emails and Facebook messages and a few tweets wanting me to forward on some new thing that people are in an uproar about.  It makes me want to scream.  Instead, I have refused to forward them or reply to them.  I have refused to jump on the "outrage of the moment" bandwagon.  Does that make me a good person?  Nope.  In fact, maybe I should jump on the bandwagon but every time I get one of those there is this thought inside my head saying "do something more."


Here's the deal.  I read John 14:15 and it says "If you love me, you will pass along emails complaining about what someone you don't agree with is doing."  Whoops, hang on.  I messed up because it says "If you love me, you will keep my commands."  Now, I don't remember the commands to forward emails or Facebook statuses and then sit back at the water cooler and talk about why the world is going to hell in a handbasket.  I do remember "go" and "give" and "make disciples" and some things that had Jesus out doing, not passing along scrolls.  I suppose he could have had God write out some rules and then sit in the temple courts and ask people if they had read it and to forward it on...but He didn't.  Instead, He served.


I don't think emails, Facebook and Twitter have the power to win the world for Christ but I think service does.  My friends who work at WARM touching the hungry and the poor live in that power.  My friends who work up at Gear Up live in that power.  People I know who move into neighborhoods that are poor and drug-infested and crime-infested so they can model Jesus to rough characters live in that power.  People I know who go into prisons sharing the Good News live in that power.  People I know who do simple acts of kindness to the hurting live in that power.  People who encourage others live in that power.


I want live more deeply and more rooted in that power, the power that speaks volume in actions towards the disenfranchised of this world, the hungry and the poor, the hurting and the lost - not because my actions are anything - but because the love for God and love of God that provokes those actions can change and heal hearts.


An email, a status update, a tweet won't mean diddly until the whole world sees the power of God's love played out in the lives of service of His children.


God, give me your eyes to see what you see and the understanding to go where you would have me go and the courage to do what you want me to do.


Grace and peace to you.

Conviction

I walked into a local financial institution and was chatting with the teller when the subject of the employees dressing for Halloween came up.  As humbly as she could, she told me "I don't celebrate Halloween.  I just feel like it represents evil and I'm not comfortable with it so I won't be dressing up with them."  The look on her face was a mixture of conviction and "uh oh, should I have said that?" 


Now, I'm not completely sure where I stand on Halloween.  Dressing up and doing all that stuff wasn't what led me to dark decisions throughout my life but at the same time, I think we must be careful we are not giving enough weight to the meaning of certain things.  I can appreciate her feelings towards Halloween and I might lean more towards agreeing with her today than I used to.


Here's what impressed me though - her conviction and willingness to humbly and meekly share it with me.  I like people who are convicted because for too long I have been wishy-washy.  I may have believed something but didn't get into with people I didn't know really well and was comfortable telling something that was out of the norm.  It reminded me of this video I've posted before (Penn gets a Bible).


I want to share my conviction.  I want to be more authentic about my love for Christ.  I want to share the Good News more and trust that God loves me for doing it even if the person I'm talking to doesn't.  Why?  Because it might be the only time that person hears a testimony about God's love for his creation.


I appreciated the bank teller's conviction and I will be sure to let her know the next time I'm there.


Grace and peace to you.

Home Sweet Home

"Our homes have become a shrine to the worship of self because we see them as our refuge instead of Jesus."

I got this off of Twitter last week.  I thought it was a powerful message in itself.  Then I spent the weekend with some kids from Abilene who have made the decision to live and work in the worst neighborhood in the city.  They open their doors to their neighbors.  They provide meals twice a week that everyone is invited to.  They eat rice and beans for most of their meals because they want to live more like the world lives than in the excess of what most Americans think is normal.  Their home is a not a refuge but a mission field.  They eat with drug abusers.  They eat with convicts.  They eat with people who know how to resolve things with their fists...and knives...and guns.  They eat with the very people who break into their house and steal from them and when they find out who the thief was, they let him/her know that they love them.

John was an ex-con who started coming around.  He is a gang member, a school drop-out and an all-around rough character.  He came and ate with them a few times.  He talked to them a few times.  Eventually, John spent the night at their house a few times when he had nowhere else to sleep.  John's cousin stole a bike from their house and when the guy that owned the bike saw the cousin riding it, he pulled up next to the cousin and talked to him as a friend, not an accuser.  The bike owner put the word out that he had given the cousin the bike because he needed it.  John couldn't quite figure that out.  John went back to jail for a former crime and while he was incarcerated, decided that people did love him.  It was something he hadn't experienced for most of his short life.  John got out of prison, got his GED, still hangs out with these guys some and is trying to turn his life around.  A few weeks ago, John called one of the guys and asked for the phone number of one of their former roommates, Ben, who had a very expensive camera stolen from the house.  A little while later, John called back and said he had called Ben to tell him he has stolen the camera (before his recent jail time), that he was going to sell the $1,000+ camera for $20, that the guy he was selling it to started looking through the pictures and it was the guys in the house playing with the neighborhood kids, pictures of love and community.  John tried to take the camera back but the buyer was bigger and maybe had more weapons.  John ran and didn't get any money.

John's punishment wasn't more jail time.  It was a guilty conscience that grew out of being surrounded by love instead of hatred, by people who wanted to be his friend, not prison guards.  Love is changing John in ways jail never could.  Who knows where this story may go?

I did this exercise with our youth group last week because it's one I need to do myself over and over.  Ready 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and insert "God" in place of "love" (or where the words refer to love).  God is love.  Now read it again and put your name in place of "love" and see if the scripture still fits.

I will keep doing it until "Jeff is patient, Jeff is kind.." and "Jeff never fails" is more reality than a good idea.

Love can change the world.

Grace and peace to you.

More Or Less

Ouch.  The Rangers looked bad last night.  I was happy to attend a World Series game but I really hoped it would also be a Rangers win.  That said, if I have a team that needs 3 consecutive wins, I'd be glad to have a team rolling out Cliff Lee, CJ Wilson and Colby Lewis.  Let's go Rangers!


I spent the weekend in the woods of East Texas with 60+ teenagers for our annual youth group fall retreat.  I leave each year more awestruck than the year before at the spiritual depth and energy of these kids.  I see a group who is driven more by relationships, community and love than anything I have seen.  I would love to write about all that I saw and heard but it would take too much time.  I'll just say I feel very comfortable with the future knowing these young people will be there.


Our theme verse for this year is John 3:30, "He must be greater; I must become less. 


I must become less.  Less prideful.  Less worried about the future.  Less of all the things that take my focus off the cross and the power of the resurrection. 


As I sat in the woods during some time alone with God, I watched dead leaves falling to the ground.  Leaves that once were colorful and alive, now brown and dead.  My lifespan on earth is short, far too short to always be thinking about what I need and want, far too short to miss seeing the needs of others. 


He must become greater in my life, in my actions...in my heart.


Grace and peace to you.