Friday, December 31, 2010

The Valley of The Unknown

Happy birthday to me!  Nope, it's not today but I've got a great bunch of friends who have supported by effort to raise $500 for Charity:Water during this birthday month.  Not only did they help me reach my goal - they doubled it!  $1,004 is going to Charity:Water to dig water wells and provide clean drinking water for people who are literally dying for it.  I'm pumped and can't thank those who participated enough.


In a few hours we will send out 2010 and step into 2011.  For some of us, 2010 won't be missed but, unfortunately, we cannot run away from the hurts and pains this year brought our way.  Not only that, we are going into the unknown.  Who knows what 2011 will be?  Are we usually hopeful for a better year?  Yes, of course.  Then again, I was hopeful for 2010 to be a great year...and it wasn't.


Here are my 2011 resolutions:
1.  Write better.  I go back and re-read some of my blogs and crack up where I can tell I combined two thoughts into one sentence without taking grammar into consideration.  We'll see how it goes.
2.  To make no more resolutions.  I'm not sure I can resolve to not resolve but I'm done making plans, goals and resolutions in a life I have little, if any, control of.  I just want God to open my eyes to what He places in front of me and seize the opportunities He gives me.  I want to live in His plans which will be far superior to mine.

Please don't think I'm advocating that for everyone...it's for me.  I'm not going to workout or eat better or read more and be kinder just because I said it's something I want to do on January 1st.  Heck, I've been wanting to do all that for years and where is "wanting to" getting me?  I either will or I won't but I don't want to get bogged down in all that; only in what God has in store for me.

I want to share John Wesley's Covenant Prayer with you again.  I posted it on September 21 and I'm trying again to speak it with conviction each morning.  I leave it with you as a thought for how to live out 2011.  Wesley's Covenant Prayer

Happy New Year and may it be filled with grace and peace for you.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Valley of Death

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me.  Psalm 23:4


Good words to live by.  I wonder why I often choose not to.  I live in fear at times.  Fear of doing the wrong thing/saying the wrong thing/disappointing someone/hurting someone/being hurt/of what I can imagine that may never happen/the unknown/things I know but cannot change.  I could go on.


A friend reminded me today that scripture says I am walking through it, not camping in it.  Oh, I suppose I can choose to camp there and maybe that changes the dynamics of things.  However, if I choose to walk it out, to walk through the valley, God is there with me.  It may be scary and ugly and all sorts of things but I don't have to fear the bad if God is there. 


It's a good idea but one I haven't yet grasped, one I don't yet live by.  I trust, though, that if I will continue to draw near to God, if I will continue to run into His arms that I will learn to walk without fear. 


Grace and peace to you.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

More Pruning

On Christmas Eve, I was talking to my dad outside the house and he began talking about a flower bed that's in the middle of the yard.  He was telling me how the plants quit growing and even though they watered more, it didn't help because so much stuff had built up around the plant's roots.  When they pulled all the mulch and bark and other stuff out of the bed and cut the plants down dramatically did the plants began accepting water and growing. 


I couldn't help but be reminded that is how life is for most of us.  At some point, we have to be cut down and have all the stuff pulled out from around us because we aren't accepting what can help us grow.  We have to be pruned so we can grow and blossom more brilliantly.  It's not a new lesson but one that was good to be reminded of. 


Grace and peace to you.

Monday, December 27, 2010

2010 On The Way Out

2010 is winding down and in another weak I'll be messing up checks by writing the wrong year.  I'm ready for '10 to be over and done with.  Going into 2011 doesn't undo anything that happened in the past year, it's just the idea that new things will come in a new year and I pray that much of it is creates positive moments in my life and in the life of the people who are close to me and the people I have shared too much pain with in this year.


I got these excerpts from John Eldredge...
You are not your sin; sin is no longer the truest thing about the man who has come into union with Jesus. Your heart is good. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you" (Ezek. 36:26). The Big Lie in the church today is that you are nothing more than "a sinner saved by grace." You are a lot more than that. You are a new creation in Christ. The New Testament calls you a saint, a holy one, a son of God.The real you is on the side of God against the false self. Knowing this makes all the difference in the world. The man who wants to live valiantly will lose heart quickly if he believes that his heart is nothing but sin. Why fight? 

These words remind me of things some dear friends have told me but that I have trouble accepting for myself.  I hope 2011 will bring more understanding and belief that I am loved as I am...warts and all.

Grace and peace to you.


Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

My hope today is that families will find joy in being together and that the hurting will find peace, that the hope that came through Jesus will be known by everyone one day and that love will reign on earth.

Grace and peace to you.


Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve 2010

Today is an anticipatory day. Santa is on his way. Tomorrow most of us will wake up with toys or underwear or a new iron and stockings full of candy to tide us over between desserts. Today is the last shot to get out there and grab something for a parent or spouse and maybe catch a last minute markdown. Or, in my case, a few lottery tickets because I lack imagination and gambling is ok on Christmas. I remember watching Harold Taft tracking Santa on the ten o'clock news. I remember going to bed and not wanting to sleep waiting on Santa to drop by and my parents waking me up to see the cool stuff. I remember the excitement of my own children in their early Christmases and the knowing smiles of Santa's identity while saying nothing as they got older.

Christmas has come to mean many things over the years and that changes again this year for me. Challenges of a new life paradigm and challenge of typing a blog post on my iPad for the first time. That said, today remains anticipatory of the hope tomorrow brings because the day is about the hope that entered the world in the flesh, the hope embodied by the Christ.

I hope as Christmas day approaches that all the folks who want to keep Christ in Christmas will keep Christ in their life, their words and their actions each and everyday. I hope that the world will come to know the peace we can have because of what these days represent.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and hope that you will be reminded of hope regardless of the situation you find yourself in this Christmas.

Grace and peace to you.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thankfulness - Part 2

It's the season of gift giving and gift receiving.  Some gifts are outrageously good, some outrageously hideous.  Some gifts are expensive and rare, some inexpensive and personal.  Some gifts require little thought, others bathed in love.  Whatever the gift, it requires a giver and a receiver. 


When I was a kid, I was perfectly acceptable to getting as many gifts as possible.  I accepted them freely and with great joy.  Gifts big and small, expensive and free...I took the approach of bring one, bring all.  Something has changed though.  Now, I would rather not receive any gifts.  Oh, I'll still take them but I would be just about as happy without a gift as with a gift.  I credit that to something that has followed me for many years, the feeling of not being worthy of receiving gifts.  Or, the feeling that whatever is given to me needs to be returned with something just as valuable, if not more.  This year is no different than several past.  I received a gift from a friend that was far more valuable than what I could give in return and I'm still not sure I'm going to be able to simply accept it.  I don't feel worthy of such a gift because I can't do anything to match it. 


I think it's why I have so much trouble being thankful to my Lord.  He has given me a gift that I feel unworthy to receive, a gift that I can't return with equal value.  My trouble accepting physical gifts is very similar to my trouble accepting that I am loved unconditionally and that my salvation is secure. 


Maybe the this year's gift will be a part of the learning process God wants me to experience so I can receive His good and perfect and priceless gift.  Maybe if I can learn to accept gifts on earth I'll learn to accept the gifts God has freely given me without hope of reciprocation.  Maybe. 


Grace and peace to you.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Thankfulness - Part 1

What does a person do when they have eternity to be thankful for but a day coming up at the end of the week that they are dreading profusely?  What does a person do when they can't see past the pain they know is coming even though they are surrounded by people who love them?  How do you help someone be thankful for all that they have when there is a depth of pain that is immense for what they don't have? 

I have joined a group of people who dread Christmas.  For years, especially the last 16, Christmas morning has been something I looked forward to.  This year, I would prefer to be oblivious to it's existence because it is not as it has been, not as I have come to expect, not as I dream it would remain.  The enormity of my pain as I think about that day is working to block out all that is good in my life.  It is easier to be sad than to be thankful.  It is easier to imagine being alone on that day than sharing it with people.  It is easier, but somewhere deep down, I know it isn't beneficial for me.  So, I will join friends in activities on that day hoping to be distracted from the force that wants my heart to hurt and my mind to send a barrage of negative thoughts like a loop that never ends. 

I have never been able to understand the pain people face at Christmas until now.  And, not that I understand everyone's pain, but I do have a sense of how pain can occur and how it can shake their foundation.  If you are one of those who find this Christmas to be something you dread, I hurt for you.  If you are one who still lives in the joy of Christmas, in the joy of the smiles and laughs of children and family, in the joy of remembering that what we are really celebrating is the hope for the future that was brought into the world through the birth of Jesus, relish it and try to share it with your friends who are hurting.  Whether they will accept it or not, it helps to know you care and that there remains much to be thankful for whether we all want to believe it right now or not.

I know my words are not adequate for all who are hurting or all who can't wait for Christmas to be here.  I hope, in the absence of my ability to convey the right words, that you will hear the voice of God tell you what He wants you to know...and do...and that thankfulness will rule this season.

Grace and peace to you.

Monday, December 20, 2010

!(&#$*(&)*$_@#%$_**(#&$

That's the feeling when you try to copy and paste something into your blog and can't get it to format properly. 


I'll skip the humorous story I was going to share.  Just laugh and play like you read something funny.


Our Bible class yesterday was on the idea of thankfulness.  It was a great class because a) the teacher used a funny analogy or two I might try to repeat here, b) it made me think of some thoughts I have long held that I might share here in the coming days that won't square with the norm and c) it made me realize I'm not really living in thankfulness right now.  Oh, I'm thankful for plenty of things but my outlook and demeanor isn't one of thankfulness.  Not right now. 


Well, there's work to be done and shopping finished.  I hope you get it all done without pulling your hair out.


Grace and peace to you.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Bang, Bang

I had the opportunity to go bird hunting this week and thoroughly enjoyed my time in the field.  I wished we would have seen more birds and that the wind wasn't blowing so hard but we can always hope for perfect days, can't we?  It was good to work behind dogs again, to hear the rise of a covey of quail and to see a dog retrieve a downed bird.  Those days remind me of days gone by and places hunted in my past and wonderful memories of dogs and hunting partners, of smart-aleck comments and jibes...of good times gone and good times to come.


I'm reading a new book about God's love for me.  It's great, very helpful in my walk right now and full of stuff I'll share eventually.  I got hooked on this quote the other day in my reading...
"If we take all the goodness, wisdom and compassion of the best mothers and fathers who have ever lived, they would only be a faint shadow of the love and mercy in the heart of the redeeming God."  - Brennan Manning


God loves me so much and yet I have had a hard time accepting it, free and unconditional.  I'm a work in progress but I'm getting glimpses of how God loves me and accepts me as I am, made in His image.  I have a hope for very, very bright days ahead.


Grace and peace to you.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Water, Water Everywhere

Sometimes, it's good when you know the policeman who pulls you over.  Whew.


My birthday is this month and I've been posting information on Facebook about my effort to help Charity:Water (www.charitywater.org) raise $500.  That's a drop in the bucket for what they are trying to accomplish but a start.  I was able to hear the founder share his story in October as was moved by what he is doing.  He mentioned a fundraising program they started to "give your birthday to charity:water" and I decided to go along.  If you would like to give, go to this link (http://mycharitywater.org/fromwisecounty) and you can donate and they will send you a tax receipt.  And thank you for considering it.  If you can't give now, please pray that this will continue to be a successful effort and go to their website to read more about what they are doing.

Clean water.  Taken for granted by many.  Needed by so many.



Grace and peace to you.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Fighting Disappointment

An interesting weekend it was.  I spent some time with old friends and the topic of disappointment was prevalent in each conversation...one that was full of pain, another that was full of hope.  Trying to do what people wanted me to do has often left me tired, frustrated, mad and longing for something different while the fear of disappointing them has left me exhausted and often wanting to be isolated.  It's a fear that has played to my programming that says my performance is what matters and if I don't perform to expectations, I lose.  I lose their love, friendship, respect, status.  The kicker is, I've rolled that over to my relationship with God too.

Looking at myself, the things that disappoint me are things that don't happen in my image of they way it should be.  The Longhorns football season, the World Series, the girl who wouldn't go out with me in college, the friend who didn't go with me when I wanted them to.  Disappointment comes when things don't match the way I see it and then I cast that on to someone else.  The Longhorns and Rangers didn't want to lose, the girl had her eyes on someone else she felt was a better match, the friend had another option that was more in line with what he wanted.  When I disappoint someone, it's not because I did something wrong as much as it is that their desire and expectation is something different than my own.  Yet, when I know I have caused disappointment, the fear and pain of losing my standing with them, of letting them down, of causing pain stays with me.  For days.  For weeks.  For years.

A dear friend told me the other day that God doesn't get disappointed.  He knows the number of hairs on my head.  He knows me inside and out and better than I know myself.  He has no misconceptions about me, no beliefs about me that aren't true.  And, even though I don't always do what His will for me is, He continues to love me and continues to be open to me coming back to His hope and direction for me.  When I choose something that pulls me away from Him, he isn't disappointed but stable.  My status with God doesn't drop.  I don't have to try harder, I don't have to start over.  He just keeps loving me as I am.

At least that's what my friend told me.

I'm going to try to begin living in that better.  I'm going to try and quit worrying so much about disappointing people that I push them away.  I'm going to try and start living at peace with my decisions and quit realize that grown ups are grown up and can deal with their own feelings.  I'm going to try and remember that God loves me as I am, not as He imagines me being or as I imagine myself...just as I am.  I'm going to try.

Grace and peace to you.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Fork

There are hundreds of variations to this story but they always ring true...


There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live.  As she was getting her things in order, she contacted her Pastor to discuss aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at her funeral and what scriptures she wanted read and the clothes she wanted to be buried in.  Everything was in order and as the Pastor was preparing to leave, the young woman said "There's one more thing, one important thing.  I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." 
The Pastor looked at the young lady not knowing what to say.  Finally, he said "To be honest, I'm a little puzzled by the request."  The young woman explained, "I have always remembered being at the table for big meals, as the main course was cleared away, someone would lean over and remind me to 'keep your fork'.  It was my favorite part because I always knew something better was coming whether it was a chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie, something better was coming.  So, when people see me in the casket I want them to wonder 'what's the fork for?' and then I want you to tell them, 'Keep your fork, the best is yet to come'."
The Pastor's eyes were full of tears as he hugged the young lady and said goodbye, knowing it might be the last time he saw her alive.  He also knew she might well have a better grasp of heaven than he did at that moment.
At the funeral, the Pastor smiled as he saw many people look quizzically at the fork or ask someone next to them about it.  During the service, he was able to share the story the young lady told him and saw the knowing look on each face that the young lady had reminded everyone there that the best was yet to come.


Keep your fork!


Grace and peace to you.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Better Late Than Never?

I started a new post last night but got involved in something else and it was too late to get back to it.  So, now you know another crazy post is coming.  So today is a babbling cacophony of random thoughts.


What's up with Tashard Choice getting Michael Vick's autograph after the game last night?  Vick as a hero?  OK, but after a loss on national TV?  Have some sense, man.
What are the chances Jason Garrett is around next year? 
I predict Cliff Lee will sign with the Yankees today.  It's time to make a move and his hesitation is coming from the fact that his heart is in Texas and the player's union is all about big bucks.  Bye Cliff.  It was great having you around and we will miss you.
I'm a positive guy generally but always like to see these things in the negative so I'm not disappointed if it goes that way.
Disappointment.  There's a topic for discussion. 
Zack Greinke, Matt Garza or James Shields.  They are all a couple of steps down from Lee.  Ouch.
The Texas Longhorns are ranked 25 in the basketball polls.  I'm hoping they do the opposite of last year.  Last year they were ranked #1 for much of the preseason and then couldn't win a game down the stretch.  Maybe they will end at #1 this year and all these bowl jokes will go away.
A 6th grader sent me a bowl joke making fun of Texas.  Can you believe it?  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Mack's coaching the team by himself right now. 
I got called a sinner at church yesterday.  Twice. 
The guy did say we were all sinners but I took it very personally.  (written with dripping sarcasm in case he's reading it)

I had a great weekend.  I met up with some old friends who all spoke some truth I needed to here.  I am so thankful for the way God has put people in my life who build me up in Him.  I am truly, truly blessed.

Grace and peace to you.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Riding the Whirlwind

That's sort of how I feel after this week.


I remember now why I don't like Las Vegas.  It's crowded.  It's loud.  It's bright.  It's noisy.  There is lots of smoke.  Lots of smoke.  I always think I would like to go when I'm not working just to take in some shows and sights I miss when I'm on the go but then I think, if I never go back it will be soon enough.  Our booths looked good, the Cowboy/Country Christmas events were cool to see, the cabbies loved the cowboys being there because they were busy and the rodeo was impressive.  It was good seeing some folks I haven't seen in awhile and catching up with friends old and new. 

I came back with a massive sinus headache and sore throat.  Lots of meds and some sleep yesterday seemed to help but there is still a way to go to feeling great.  It's one place where the smoke certainly didn't help me.  Yuck.

Someone mentioned Christmas is just around the corner.  Can it be?  I'm not prepared. 

I love stories where people have had a problem and something triggered an event that brought them to a place with God where He could work in their hearts.  I just heard one and it's brightened my day.  I've had my own and I believe I have more to come because I see where I have some barriers in my relationship, I'm just not surrendering my will yet.  But I believe I will.

Grace and peace to you.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Let The Good Times Roll

It's nearly 2:00 AM in Texas, only midnight in Las Vegas.  I could operate on west coast time much better. 


Tonight was cool with the exception of my phone shutting down on me so I couldn't take more pictures.  We had front row tickets at the NFR.  I'm not sure I can go back because I would have to sit with the common folk.  We had a limo bring us back to the hotel.  Talk about rolling in style.  We ate at Wolfgang Puck's place and it was pretty yummy.  Wolfy wasn't around but we did sit in between tables with a couple of the NFR cowboys so it was entertaining watching women come by to talk to them wearing stuff that made you wonder if their hotel room didn't have a mirror because they surely wouldn't have gone out like that if it did.  But I'm not judging. 

I was reminded today why I enjoy working in the industry I work in and with the people I work with.  I'm thankful for days like this where my eyes are open to the things I have to be thankful for.  I thank God for putting opportunities in front of me that provide happiness and joy.  It's not always an easy ride but knowing His hand is in it allows me to keep moving forward day-by-day.

Grace and peace to you.

Monday, December 06, 2010

By the time you read this I will have already jumped...

on a plane to Las Vegas.  Or I'm going through a body scanner or being patted in all sorts of unmentionable places.  Or still trying to figure out what to take and what to leave behind. 


Sin City.  I hate it.  It's loud and crowded and filled with fake lighting.  On the other hand, I'm sure I'll wager my standard $100 limit at the blackjack table at some point.  I walk away when I lose it or when I'm up $200.  And yes, I have walked away up $200 a couple of times. 


Packing for a trip like this wears me out.  When you are my size, your clothes take up more space and weigh more.  My extra pair of boots ain't light either.  Yes, I do have to have 2 pair of boots.  I've got my standards.  Then there's the question of whether I'll make it to the gym or not, which 2 or 3 of the 60 books I have waiting to be read to take depending on my mood, extra everything just because I can't run in any store and buy what I need.  Sheesh.  There's the laptop because I will have to work at some point and a documents I'm in the middle of that need to be read.  What a pain.  All to go somewhere I don't enjoy but it's a work trip and I have always wanted to see the NFR so Monday night I will be a-hootin'-and-hollerin'...or maybe just clapping.  There are 4 guys from Decatur performing so that's cool and 2 of them are our endorsers so that's even cooler and 1 of them has already won his record breaking 8th All Around Cowboy title so that's really cool. 

I'll try to post something while I'm there.  I've got a couple of posts I've already worked on that I've been saving for when the brain was ginning so you might see those or I might have some epiphany while soaring through the skies and have to write all about it. 

I hope to be turning you on to a new blog soon too.  I have a friend who is getting ready to launch in January and I know he'll have some good things to say.  He has been a close friend of mine and someone who's thoughts and opinions I value highly.  More on that later.

I'm starting a book that I think will stir some thoughts to share too.  I hope to delve into that in the next few weeks.  OK, off to begin the packing beat-down...

Grace and peace to you.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Third Day, Third Tune

I guess this is song week.  You might have noticed by my Tuesday selection that it was a bit of a wacky day.  The fact is I've been coasting the past few months.  My journey over the past few years has been a rollercoaster and I was tired of the ride.  I wanted a smooth ride with no bumps, no pain.  I quit reading while saying I just couldn't focus.  I quit listening, saying I needed peace.  I was coasting with God, not growing with God.


I've been blessed by some good friends who speak truth to me and their words were getting dangerously close to truth I didn't want to hear.  I avoided the conversation or said it was something I needed to think about...but I didn't.  So, I think God put some things in motion in my life that forced me to face truth, another 2X4 to the head.  Monday night and Tuesday were a night and day of brokenness.  Painful brokenness.  Brokenness that God used to bring me back to Him, to get me off the coasting ride and to put me on the ride that is headed closer to Him.  He put a book in front of me last week that I needed to start reading today...and I did.  And, I'll give him credit for opening my ears to the words of this song today, a song I've listened to several times but didn't LISTEN to what it was saying.  I hope you enjoy.


Don't Give Up performed by Third Day


This world just keeps on getting crazier and crazier everyday
You’re so afraid
Sometimes it feels like it’s chasing your sanity away
And you start to break
Let me help you find your way
Don’t give up faith
Don’t give up hope
There’s always something better
Waiting around the corner
Don’t give up now
Please, don’t let go
What can feel like the ending
Could just be the beginning
Don’t give up hope
Your life is spinning like a rocket that’s gone out of control
And you’ve let go
You’re slowly losing your confidence, you’re a wounded soul
But I hope you know
I can help you find your way
Don’t give up faith
Don’t give up hope
There’s always something better
Waiting around the corner
Don’t give up now
Please, don’t let go
What can seem like the ending
Could just be the beginning
Don’t give up hope
Don’t give up hope now
Don’t turn around
Keep on moving
Find your faith
You’ll be doing all right now
Don’t look back
Keep on moving
Find your faith
And you’ll be doing all right now
Don’t look back
Keep on moving
Find your faith
And you’ll be doing all right now
Don’t give up faith
Don’t give up hope
There’s always something better
Waiting around the corner
Don’t give up now
Please, don’t let go
What can seem like the ending
Could just be the beginning

God has something better for me around the corner.  A closer, deeper, more intimate relationship with Him than I have yet experienced.  Along with it, I think He has some new resolve for me too, resolve to quit seeing my relationship with Him the way that I have in the past.  I have allowed myself to accept programming that my performance was never good enough for people close to me...and I cast that same idea on God.  I know intellectually that isn't the way God works and I believe my next area of growth is learning to believe it in my heart...to believe His feelings for me never waver.  I've said it before and I'm ready to say it again, I'll never trade the pain for where it takes me with God.

Grace and peace to you.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

New Day, New Tune

I read the 3rd chapter of 2 Peter with anticipation.  I look forward to the Lord's return and would prefer it be now rather than later.  I am tired of this world.  I'm tired of it's hurting.  I'm tired of it's suffering.  It's not that I can't find joy here but I like to imagine what waits for me there.


Today, I heard There Will Be A Day sung by Jeremy Camp and it renewed my desire for His coming.


I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long

You feel your walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart

Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced

To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day. 


 

The past few weeks have brought new challenges to my life, challenges that make me long for what is ahead.  I am challenged to figure out who I am and it has brought some hard, hard moments for me and for people near me.  I may write about some of those in the next 30 days, I may not.  I have a journal where I keep my most raw, most vulnerable comments.  I have a decision to make and I'm not sure where to go with it.  Today, my plan is to shut the blog down at the end of this month and go a different direction and I'm not sure if I want to go out with feel-good theme or with some tough stuff.  There are some who have told me this blog helped them and I am thankful for God giving me the words to do it.  Others may have stopped by just to see the freak show unfold.  I don't know what the next 30 days will bring...or the days after that.  But I do believe there will be a day and I long for it.

Grace and peace to you.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I Could Tell You What You Want To Hear...

I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/skillet-lyrics/monster-lyrics.html)
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I've gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster



Monster performed by Skillet

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving. The Day After

I have spent some time this past week wondering what all people will say and what I would say when asked, what are you giving thanks for.  My world has been turned upside down and I have been separated from what has meant the most to me on this earth.  Honestly, I still don't feel very thankful at times but there are some things that stand out to me:


I'm thankful for the people who have loved me knowing my failings and my darkest secrets.  You have given me courage to continue facing a new day each morning.
I'm thankful for the people I have asked to pray specific prayers for me because I am in a season where I seldom pray.
I'm thankful for the people who have prayed for me not knowing what to pray for or ask for.  God knows your heart and I trust He has used your love for me in ways He knows are best.
I'm thankful for people who have suffered greatly before me because you can speak to my pain and sadness and heartbreak with understanding.
I'm thankful for people who have challenged me in my thoughts and desires.  Your desire to keep me from going backwards by lovingly, and sometimes harshly, pushing me forward has been a blessing.
I'm thankful for Christian counseling.  I have learned things about myself, my heart and my mind that have walked me through years of mistakes to the root causes allowing me to begin working on changes that will hopefully aid me in making good decisions into the future.
I'm thankful for brief words of kindness and a hug.  Knowing you care means more than I can put into words.
I'm thankful for people who let me be honest when they ask how I'm doing.  You know that sometimes what you will hear will be painful, ugly and filled with tears and you allow me to do it anyway.
I'm thankful for people who have brought their brokenness to me.  You have shown me that God can and will use my grief and pain for His glory.


I'm sure I could go on but there is one more that overshadows all of the above.


I am thankful for a loving and patient Lord.  You, Lord, have taught me that the prodigal son story isn't just a Bible story but my story.  You have shown me that my story fits in your story, a story of broken people who have fallen and continue to find your love ever-present.  You have shown me what love is and should be.  You have shown me that it is OK to live through the mistakes of my past because you love what will be, not what was.  You have shown me that there is healing in confession and the power of relationships that are aligned with you.  You have shown me what it is to wait, patiently.  You never quit me,  you never let go, you never stopped loving and being faithful in your hope for me.  Without you I know there would be nothing to be thankful for.  With you, I know there will be joy in the days ahead.  You, Lord, are what I am truly thankful for.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving

I live in a time and place that is unbelievable.  We have so much living in America.  I take for granted so many things that I have access to as if it is just a normal way of life.  How about you?


How thankful are you for clean water?  In October I was fortunate enough to hear Scott Harrison's story in person.  It is fascinating to hear how he decided to use his life to help others.  Scott's Story

I was moved by what Harrison had to say and moved by his efforts to sustain what he started.  One of Charity Water's efforts is birthday giving - people sign up and ask their friends to give money to Charity:Water instead of to the birthday person.  Guess what?  I have a birthday coming up next month and I'm asking you to consider giving.  Just $1.  If you want to give more, great.  It's an incredible ministry and I will be supporting it on a continuing basis and hope you will consider it.  If you feel so moved, follow this link and you can donate and help people in 3rd world countries be thankful for clean water that doesn't make them sick and doesn't kill them.

Support clean drinking water for my birthday!

Whether you give or not, please offer up a prayer for people who have little, if any, of the things we take for granted.  Clean water.  Food.  Clothes.  Love.

Grace and peace to you.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Christmas Tunes

I'm not a "holiday spirit" kind of guy.  I can't explain it and really don't care to delve into it.  I am who I am and I wonder why the world doesn't just have the holiday spirit (kindness, courtesy, good tidings, giving) all year long.  Maybe working in retail, it has only skewed my jaded view of the commercialism (people being trampled at 5:00 in the morning to get to the category-killers) of Christmas.  Enough.  I could go on but then somebody would want to try and fix me and that just spells disaster for all of us.


Back to holiday spirit.  I do have a little and this video is compelling to me.  I would love to be shopping when this happens.




Hallelujah!

Grace and peace to you.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Week It Was

It was one of "those" weeks last week.  A week on the rollercoaster of life but it seemed like the rollercoaster was going down, rapidly, more than it was going up.  It's a week that I'm glad is behind me but it is a week that made me examine some things in my life and spend a little time contemplating where I go from here.  Maybe more on that later.  For now, I want to share a blog from Jonathon Storment.  I don't know him but have read many of his blogs and have found some peace in reading them from time to time.  This one was good for me.


Jonah Serves Chicken Wings

Grace and peace to you.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Misfire

I'm not hitting on all cylinders this morning so this is just gobbley-gook.


I don't know how to spell gobbley-gook.


I hear the Cowboys won.  Yeah.  I guess.  I'm waiting for Spring Training.


The road trip was good.  Relaxing.  Too short in many ways, long enough in others.  I love the hill country of Texas and I love the Comal and Guadalupe.  I'm waiting for a sign that I need to live there.  On the river of course.  Near the good fly-fishing waters.


A guy in the Gruene Outfitters told me the best fishing for native trout would be in the next 2 weeks.  I haven't figured out how to make my return trip just yet but I'm working on it.


It would be nice to come back from a relaxing trip and have a relaxing week but that is not the case.  I have something every night.  There's a chance at least one meeting will get canceled so I can unpack.


I am thankful for good friends who take care of me and challenge me and love me unconditionally.  From talking to people, God has blessed me with more than other people have.  I hope to let them all know how much they mean to me in the coming days. 


If you know me, you know I think heaven has some beautiful trout streams running through it.  I saw a little slice of heaven this weekend.  God is an incredible creator.  He made so much beauty.  I'm guilty of looking around me and seeing it in nature but not in His created people.  Today, I want to see His handiwork in the people I talk to and to remember He is the Father of all.


Grace and peace to you.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Road Trip

I'm hitting the road this morning.  A trip I've had planned for awhile.  A trip that I hope will offer all I want from it.  I trust it will be a good day.


Did you buy Move by Third Day yet? 


Here's another sampling.  A friend pointed out this song, Sound of Your Voice, to me and it has quickly become one of my favorites.  Below are some of the lyrics.


I ran away from your love
But you waited for me
Yes, you waited for me
And then I heard your song
Singing over me 
 
Sing your song to me
Oh, there's no greater thing
Than to listen to the sound of your voice  

Lord, I am calling your name
And I'm waiting for you
Yes, I'm waiting for you
So won't you show me your way
And I will follow you
Yes, I will follow you

Singing over me
Bringing peace and mercy
With a song that never ends
Singing over me
Marvelous and holy
Lord, I want to hear your song again
 
I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.  I want to hear God's voice.
 
Grace and peace to you.  

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Third Day - Surrender

So this week's blogs didn't look anything like what I had planned.  Funny how life intervenes sometimes.


I've got some new stuff from Francis Chan to share and hopefully I'll get that out there next week.


We are studying his book Crazy Love in our youth class and I've got a couple of neat stories to share sometime.  I think teens and young adults have more spiritual maturity about them than at any time in my life.  In fact, I had lunch yesterday with an old friend who is a Campus Minister at SMU and asked him his thoughts.  He told me about a study done by some university that agreed with that - not that the kids agreed with everything we've grown up being taught or that I would agree with some of their ideas (no absolute truth) but they are more connected to God than my generation was/is.


If you know me, you know I love Third Day.  If you haven't bought their new CD, Move, then move now and go get it.  One of my favorite songs is Surrender.  Maybe the bluesy start has something to do with it and I do like the bass beat when thumping on my sub-woofers but it's the them of the song that connects.  Part of the lyrics say:


'Cause inside you find
That you are slowly dying


Some of us realize at some point in life that we are dying a slow death from the inside out.  Our body still functions but our heart is dying.  I was there...I was dying...and, praise God, in a time of brokenness He rescued me.  He saved me from dying but I had to surrender and I am still learning to surrender more and more to Him every day.

Surrender (click on the link)

Grace and peace to you.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Just Another Birthday Party

I told one of my loyal readers the other day that I'm a great advocate for serving others but not so great at practicing what I preach.  I'm on a journey to know God and His desire for me and to live it out in my life better each day.


Another loyal reader presses me sometimes on my comments about service.  Growing up in the faith tradition we have, there have been times where service was seen as the end goal, not a by-product of a heart for God; seen as a way to build "credit" in the body, not as a selfless act that brings us closer to being one with Christ and each other. 


Yesterday, I ran across this video.  I'm still processing what all he is saying, still processing the idea of putting myself in the same place he was, still processing what it might all look like to live for others.  I hope you enjoy the story though and I hope it challenges you.




Grace and peace to you.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Thankful For Friends

Before I get down to what I want to say...how 'bout that Colt McCoy.  Great game yesterday!

I deleted the post I had planned for today because a friend called me out on something I have said recently they don't agree with.  I'm thankful for friends willing to call me out.


Sometimes I talk way too much.  Some of you might find that hard to believe because I prefer not to talk much at all.  When I do, I'm thankful for friends who don't stick a sock in my mouth. 


I'm flawed.  Some of my closest friends know just how flawed I am and they keep on loving me...even when I do something I shouldn't do more than once.  I am thankful for friends who love me unconditionally and who challenge me to be better today than I was yesterday.


I don't always listen to good advice but I always need good advice.  I am blessed to have friends who don't tell me what I want to hear but what I need to hear.  Every now and then I heed their wise words and thank God for their presence in my life.


I have much to be thankful for, nothing greater than the thanks I give God for loving me in ways no one else ever has or ever will.  Nothing can make me more thankful than the love of my Lord.


Grace and peace to you.

Friday, November 05, 2010

What Do I Do Now?

Baseball season is over.  What do I do now?


It was great following the Rangers this year.  It was an odd year attending only 2 games in the first half of the season due to my son's baseball schedule and then sitting/standing in the crowd at Game 6 of the ALCS and Game 5 of the World Series.  I never would have pictured that.  Nor would I have pictured Cliff Lee pitching in a Rangers uni.  Or Cliff losing 2 games in the Series.  I didn't picture C.J. Wilson becoming a dominant starter or David Murphy being the man of the moment so many times or Vlad struggling at the plate like he did.  But then I never pictured Vlad crushing balls during the season before they day they signed him.  I didn't think Greenberg/Ryan would have so much trouble buying the team but I'm certainly glad they did.


I think we will look back in years to come thinking we have had the best ownership group in the game and one of the sharpest GM's in all of baseball.  Theo Epstein was the wonder-child in Boston for so many years, Jon Daniels is the new version.  I still don't know what I think of Ron Washington but I do believe the players will play their hearts out for him.


I've never had people willing to buy my tickets in August.  Not only willing but calling asking if I had tickets for certain games in August.  I usually can't give them away.  I wore the same clothing to 15 games and the Rangers won.  I have fun with baseball superstitions that way.  I wore it to Game 5 of the World Series and they didn't win and I had lots of people looking at me in bewilderment that I wasn't dressed in Rangers red.  Well, the mojo failed that game and the lucky outfit is retired.  Maybe.  I might try it for one game next season and see what happens.


Here's where I thought about a moral to the Rangers saga but you can make your own.  Today, it's just about baseball.  It's a game I didn't enjoy growing up but one I have come to love through the eyes and efforts of my son.  I used to go to games thinking they were boring.  Now I have an appreciation for every nuance of the game - the position of the batter's feet, the path of his hands through the swing, the finish, the pitcher's movements, arm slot, release points.  I watch how base-runners step off the bag getting their lead, the size of their steps.  I'm more aware of how the wind is blowing and what effect that has on a fly ball hit by a left hander to left field as opposed to right field.  There are so many little games within the game...and I love it.  Yes, there are plenty of object lessons to make from baseball and this season for the hometown team.  Today, I miss it and can't wait for spring training in roughly 3 months.


Grace and peace to you. 

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Email, Facebook and Twitter vs. The Power of God

I'm stepping up on my soapbox today.  Give me space and give me leniency.

I get lots of emails and Facebook messages and a few tweets wanting me to forward on some new thing that people are in an uproar about.  It makes me want to scream.  Instead, I have refused to forward them or reply to them.  I have refused to jump on the "outrage of the moment" bandwagon.  Does that make me a good person?  Nope.  In fact, maybe I should jump on the bandwagon but every time I get one of those there is this thought inside my head saying "do something more."


Here's the deal.  I read John 14:15 and it says "If you love me, you will pass along emails complaining about what someone you don't agree with is doing."  Whoops, hang on.  I messed up because it says "If you love me, you will keep my commands."  Now, I don't remember the commands to forward emails or Facebook statuses and then sit back at the water cooler and talk about why the world is going to hell in a handbasket.  I do remember "go" and "give" and "make disciples" and some things that had Jesus out doing, not passing along scrolls.  I suppose he could have had God write out some rules and then sit in the temple courts and ask people if they had read it and to forward it on...but He didn't.  Instead, He served.


I don't think emails, Facebook and Twitter have the power to win the world for Christ but I think service does.  My friends who work at WARM touching the hungry and the poor live in that power.  My friends who work up at Gear Up live in that power.  People I know who move into neighborhoods that are poor and drug-infested and crime-infested so they can model Jesus to rough characters live in that power.  People I know who go into prisons sharing the Good News live in that power.  People I know who do simple acts of kindness to the hurting live in that power.  People who encourage others live in that power.


I want live more deeply and more rooted in that power, the power that speaks volume in actions towards the disenfranchised of this world, the hungry and the poor, the hurting and the lost - not because my actions are anything - but because the love for God and love of God that provokes those actions can change and heal hearts.


An email, a status update, a tweet won't mean diddly until the whole world sees the power of God's love played out in the lives of service of His children.


God, give me your eyes to see what you see and the understanding to go where you would have me go and the courage to do what you want me to do.


Grace and peace to you.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Conviction

I walked into a local financial institution and was chatting with the teller when the subject of the employees dressing for Halloween came up.  As humbly as she could, she told me "I don't celebrate Halloween.  I just feel like it represents evil and I'm not comfortable with it so I won't be dressing up with them."  The look on her face was a mixture of conviction and "uh oh, should I have said that?" 


Now, I'm not completely sure where I stand on Halloween.  Dressing up and doing all that stuff wasn't what led me to dark decisions throughout my life but at the same time, I think we must be careful we are not giving enough weight to the meaning of certain things.  I can appreciate her feelings towards Halloween and I might lean more towards agreeing with her today than I used to.


Here's what impressed me though - her conviction and willingness to humbly and meekly share it with me.  I like people who are convicted because for too long I have been wishy-washy.  I may have believed something but didn't get into with people I didn't know really well and was comfortable telling something that was out of the norm.  It reminded me of this video I've posted before (Penn gets a Bible).


I want to share my conviction.  I want to be more authentic about my love for Christ.  I want to share the Good News more and trust that God loves me for doing it even if the person I'm talking to doesn't.  Why?  Because it might be the only time that person hears a testimony about God's love for his creation.


I appreciated the bank teller's conviction and I will be sure to let her know the next time I'm there.


Grace and peace to you.